Okay this is going to be a rant post...
I am having so many things going on at once in my life, and right now I´m almost ready to throw in the towel and just sit on my ass and cry. I have been stressed to pieces by schoolwork, as many of you know I´m writing my huge bachelor thesis on a very tight time-schedule. This is because I have applied for a scholarship to fund a fieldwork study to go with my litteraturestudy. This all seem nice and all, but I mean - come on! Why can´t I just pick a normal subject, with plenty of facts and lets say NOT do a fieldworkstudy for 8 weeks? Probably because I´m trying my hardest to follow my dreams, but right now I want to take my dream and shoot them somewhere far away....
Apart from this I´m trying to plan for the scenario IF I get the scholarship, to rent out my room, to write interviews for wildlife veterinarians, to finish the litterature study to have a solid foundation for the POTENTIAL fieldwork study and of course I have other assignments too in school.... and this thing called having a life...well it doesent exist...I just want to KNOW, I hate the fact that there are so many "if" in my life at this point...
I am usually a very positiv person and I´m not a woman who lets life kick my ass, but this is whopping my sorry but hard....
I am told by many people that I always look so happy, and that I´m strong and nothing gets to me - but here is a reality check - it does get to me, I do cry at night, I do eat huge amount of chocolate to get by and like today I sat in my bed and just looked around at the mess in my room, knowing that in a few days I´ll be hosting a random guy from spain on my floor. And I have absolutely NO idea how I´m supposed to make this room look livable and tidy up until then, and how I´m gonna manage to be done with everything that is supposed to be done by then and HOW ON EARTH I will keep my sanity (or what´s left of it). Today I just had it...I closed my books, left the movingboxes on the floor, made chocolate pudding and watched an episode of Chicago Fire online....
And now I´m writing this, because I KNOW I´m not alone in this, in feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and just fed up... and the feeling of when everything comes at you at once and life kicks you around like a football....
Then I look at my wall of inspiration - and I take a deep breath and continue...because I have a goal, a dream and a passion - and I once gave myself a promise that I would never give up - no matter what. And I won´t.
But today it was close....thank heaven for chocolate.
My point in this I guess is that we all want to quit at times, and it´s okay to cry, I do, alot. Then you wipe away the tears and stand infront of a mirror convincing yourself that you can actually do this!
Love / F